Executive Assistant - Excellent English Speaking Skills

Are you anything like the person I describe below?

-FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST SUPER FAST TURBOCHARGED
-MULTI TASKER, YOU WORK ON TWO THINGS AT ONCE NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WORK ANY OTHER WAY
-Uber Organized
-You live in the grey......Out of the box, thinking is your middle name
-You are cheap with my money
-You take great pleasure in tearing my phone company a new one for overcharging me by accident
-You take great pleasure in getting me discounts
-You Know Kayak and other travel sites like the back of your hand
- You have the memory of an Elephant
-You can do expense reports in your sleep
-You are the type of person that gets your work done WAY before schedule just because you can
-NO CLOCK WATCHERS - 5 minutes early and 5 minutes late are typical for you (I HATE CLOCK WATCHERS!!!!!!!!!)
-You can deal with a real pain in the ass for a boss, who is always busy, bad at communicating and does not give much direction
-You are not afraid to give me S-H-$-T for being bad at communicating and for not giving direction so that you can get your work done
-You like a mix mash of work anywhere from managing clients who are pissed and want their money back because they haven't seen the "results they wanted" to scheduling a dinner meeting with friends
-You know a little about a lot
- You are pretty good with computers
- You hate a mess
- You are known as "Cool Under Pressure" by your friends
- You are a fast worker who makes minimal mistakes
- You are an AMAZING scheduler with a sickening degree of attention to detail
- You have at least 1-2 years of EA/Office Management Experience
- You are an awesome juggler of tasks
- You are an animal at project management
- You like to work your ass off
-You don’t care that I have a slight potty mouth

This is a full-time position 40 hours plus per week.
*You can work as much as you want. I will pay you a salary but if you work extra hours you will get paid.
*Flexible Vacation, if you need time off just let me know.
*Opportunity to advance/get bonuses, if you do a good job I will give you a raise and Upgrade to see actual infond me a resume and cover letter in pdf Upgrade to see actual info your cover letter tell me four things:

1. Why are you such a badass
2. Describe the last 3 bosses you had and why you loved and hated working for them
3. Tell me your ideal situation
4. Tell me about the first job you ever had, what you did, how long you had the job.

GOOD LUCK!