Assistant - help save me time

Hi,
am looking for an assistant who can take over many of my day-to-day tasks so I can focus more on growing the business.

This is not some helper role where you sit on the side passively waiting to receive some non-trivial tasks… no, you will become an integral part of the company and get things done on your own. We’re a small team of super-dedicated folks and we want to keep it that way, so we only have room for highly motivated, very smart people.

Before you read on, please note:
In this role you’ll get access to all the company secrets and customer data so that means you will need to:
- sign our NDA and NCA (we will provide on request)
- provide copy of your valid passport or ID and also your address and cellphone number  (so we know you’re not signing with fake name)
The above is company policy and non-negotiable - please do not apply if won’t be able to comply to the above requirements.

Secondly, we’re in the business of helping men restore their testosterone levels to normal levels again. This means that some of our marketing materials contain adult content. If this offends you or goes against your religious beliefs than we understand and respect that but please do not apply because it just won’t work, even if you’re an absolute genius in all other aspects of the job. Please see further job requirements in attached doc: ---------- - Requirements.docx?dl=0

If this job sounds awesome to you then please let me know how you would prioritise the following tasks and tell me your next action for each, and any other suggestions you might have:
- One of our affiliate partners is sending $10k/day of his traffic to one of our VSL servers, and you just found out that this server is down
- You receive an email from our warehouse partner that they will stop shipping to our customers with immediate effect because we did not pay an invoice on time
- I just sent you an urgent voice memo asking to add a popup in a lander and set up new split test for it
- One of our designers has finished a job and is asking you to get paid for it
- While all this happens, you hear someone on the street outside your window screaming for help.

Thanks